Saturday, May 28, 2005

I am not the devil's play toy

Someone once told me that I should never speak of my shortcomings or fears aloud, nor should I fear to say what the name of a god called Jehovah, for if I did I would only be empowering the demons that are among us.
To this I respond, I am a person who’s understood that my whole life, but just in different words. To voice the things that I fear are true without having overcome them is something I knew others would use against me. For a misunderstanding of words is always prevalent. My appreciation of language is founded by the power in which it has. I speak the words that others fear repetitively, and I say them without regard any word. I see the desecration of words every day and hold contempt for those who do not see what they have done. I use my words to comfort those who do not believe in me, or believe in myself. It is the only tool I have to do something of worth on this earth. But inside of me is where I speak. Where my truth resides. As ambivalent as I am…I find this tool to be powerless to use against me.

Not Alone

I was surfing for some background noise that was aesthetically pleasing when I happened upon a promotion for a new show called “Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew”. I was ecstatic, I always favored the good doctor over all the make-shift “Poor Man”, the original co-host of “Love Line” where it was conceived on KROQ when I was in elementary. “Because sexual curiosity…is good”, even his pause was astutely placed. In my head I said “killed the cat” before he delivered his punch line. I wonder how many people would really comprehend the grave importance of what he’s saying and why he’s doing what he’s doing. I’d be exasperated to say the very least if he was lumped together with the slew of what doctors and reverends who’ve made their way from community access channels to network TV through the malevolent power of Oprah and unfaithful religion. If the religious powers governing this world would just understand and accept the human curiosity of sexuality we might just be able to impede the horrid existence of pedophilia.

As strongly as I feel about that, it’s not the reason I decided I needed to document my thoughts at this moment so I‘ll move on. Back to Bravo. I left it on that channel in the hopes that Dr. Drew’s show would be what the newest toilet cleaning product would return me to. I’ll blame it on the fact that I was on vacation as the reason why I was so dimwitted to realize what I just seen was a promotion for a future show rather than admit I was too immersed in my own thoughts to add 2 +2. What did commence after the paid announcements from their sponsors was the ending of a what I am assuming was a behind the scenes look at the show “West Wing”. It was nearing the end of the hour and the closing segment I believe they were ending with was about the importance of being a good president and having a good support system who cares for the people more than just about getting re-elected. After someone’s remarks about their enchantment with the yearning for re-election I went into the kitchenette of our villa in Dana Pointe proclaiming my own assertion about what is a truly good president. “I’d rather have a president and administration that cares enough to do what’s right for the good of the people than one who does what gets them re-elected. It’s like a parent who does something because they know that it’s better for us even though we don’t like it. We may hate them at the time but in time we will learn and appreciate them for doing it”. I know that he’s heard me say it thousand times before, he probably doesn’t even hear what I am saying but I know he understands me and I love him for it. I linger in reverie of this man that I love and am going to do great things with, who’s given me strength to believe in myself.
After I silently pledge to him all that means to me I return to hear another person I cannot recall reaffirm what I just said but with testimony that validates that I am not alone in my thoughts and that we as humans all want that. In display of what our founding fathers had embodied, Truman makes a decision he believes may be his inherent demise of re-election but must do as it is his duty as president for the betterment of American People. He is re-elected. As I write this I feel the tears in my heart well up and the murmur in my heart grow bigger.