Birthday Thanks

Chris Berman's Nicknames

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Chris Berman's Nicknames

ESPN announcer Chris Berman enjoys making puns out of sports figures' names. Here is the DEFINITIVE list:
A

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• René Kook Arocha
  
• Tony Brothers in Armas
  
• Scott Respect Your Aldred
• Brady Bunch Anderson
  
• Shawn Lil' Abner
  
• Rick See Ya Later Aguilera
• Juan Real Agosto
  
• Steve Ebony and Avery
  
• Mike You're in Good Hands with Allstott
• Luis Alicea in Wonderland
  
• Joey Cask Of Amalfatano
  
• Rich Protect Your Car With Amaral
• Mike Enough Aldretti
  
• Bill Almon Joy
  
• Roberto Remember the Alomar
• Doyle Brandy Alexander
  
• Dana Allison Wonderland
  
• Joaquin the Dog Andujar
• Paul Orville Assenmacher
  
• Jim Hey Abbott
  
• Oscar Azocar Named Desire
• Steve Poison Avery
  
• Jesus Skip To My Alou
  
• David Green Akers

B

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• Pedro Borbon Street
  
• Bernardo Brito Supreme
  
• Jeff Pin the Tail on the Bronkey
• Jesse Belly Up to the Barfield
  
• Rod Beck Beck Beck Beck Beck
  
• Rafael Good Day at the Old Belliard
• Jay Ferris Buhner
  
• Scott Tallulah Bankhead
  
• Joe Leave It to Boever
• Bruce Bochy Ball
• Bert Be Home Blyleven
  
• George Taco Bell
• Greg Life Of Briley
  
• Mike Private Benjamin
  
• Dave Ingmar Bergman
• Jason Raspberry Bere
  
• Ron Chevy Blazier
  
• Mike April Blowers
• Bruce Eggs Benedict
  
• Barry Savings Bonds
  
• Bud Paint It Black
• Scott Milton Bradley
  
• Todd Mercedes Benzinger
  
• Lance You've Sunk my Blankenship
• Kevin Small Mouth Bass
  
• Billy Lima Beane
  
• Wade Cranberry Boggs
• Dave Burba Shave
  
• Bret Barberie Coast
  
• Daryl Please Come to Boston
• Britt Third Degree Burns
  
• Hubie Babbling Brooks
  
• Greg Crocodile Brock
• Ryan BowenArrow
  
• Jeff Brown Paper Bagwell
  
• Ricky Bad to the Bones
• Mark Beetle Bailey
  
• Marty Grin and Barrett
  
• Floyd Up and Down the Bannister
• Tim Humphrey Bogard
  
• Ricky Signing Bones
  
• Bobby Bad To The Bonilla
• Scott Am Brosius
  
• Randy Burning Bush
  
• Craig Matinee at the Biggio
• Pat South of the Borders
  
• Dante Inferno Bichette
  
• Esteban Bats In the Beltre
• Jeff See Through Blauser
  
• Harold Growing Baines
  
• Tom Lightning Bolton
• Andy the Merchant of Benes
  
• John Charcoal Burkett
  
• Tom Here's a Story of a Man Named Brady
• Damon Blue Berryhill
  
• Bill Bubble Bath
  
• Ross I Never Promised You A Baumgarten
• Stan Belinda Carlisle
  
• Pat Side Burns
  
• Scott Supercalifragilisticexpiala Brosius
• Matt Son Of A Beech
  
• Juan Less Bell to Answer
  
• Carlos One if by Land, Two if Baerga
• Eric Sleeping with Bienemy
  
• Andy Merchant of Benes
  
• Jerome You Better You Better You Bettis
• Matt Werewolves of Blundin
  
• Mike Room and Bordick
  
• Rob My Birona

C

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• Ron Born in the US Cey
  
• David Sili Cone
  
• Todd Caribbean Cruz
• Greg Life Is a Cadaret
  
• Jose Can You See Canseco
  
• Ivan Bubbling Calderon
• Wil Bungee Cordero
  
• Francisco Umbilical Cordova
  
• Pat OK Corrales
• Steve Kentucky Fried Chitren
  
• Tom Cotton Candiotti
  
• Mark Carreon My Wayward Son
• Henry Ava Cotto
  
• Mark Crystal Clear
  
• Sylvester Swallows Return to Campusano
• Ken Get Off My Cloude
  
• Danny Van Clyburn
  
• Dave Vodka Collins
• Joey Alba Cora
  
• Royce A Roni Clayton
  
• Gene Lamont Cranston
• Ty Corn on the Cobb
  
• Ken Helmet Caminiti
  
• Dennis Short Order Cook
• Jeff Conine the Barbarian
  
• Steve Short Order Cooke
  
• Scott Little Deuce Cooper
• Joe Sergeant Carter
  
• Chuck Creme de la Crim
  
• Cris If I Were a Carpenter
• Mike Cameron Swayze
  
• My Cousin Vinny Castilla
  
• Chuck Baby You Can Drive My Carr
• Golden Archi Cianfrocco
  
• Dave Clark Five
  
• Mark Clark Bar
• Tim Pablo Crews
  
• Casey Sixteen Candaele
  
• Bob Sister Christian
• Jose Can You See Cruz
  
• Ben Winter Coates
  
• Hey You Get Off of Mike Cloud
• Matt White Cassel
  

D

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• Kal Jack Daniels
  
• Rob Bomba Deer
  
• Rich Dotson 280z

Mike Well Dunne Leon Bull Durham Jody Davis Eyes
Bill Doran Duran Bo Buenos Diaz Jim 2 Silhouettes on Deshaies
Eye of the Storm Davis Bill Hello Dawley Jeff Dedmon Don't Wear Plaid
Dan Salad Dreissen Jim Washer and Dwyer Mariano Slam Duncan
Ron My Darling Eric the Red Davis Brian Number 10 Downing Street
Ken Fix or Repair Dayley Rob Acey Ducey Jake Daylight Come And Me Wanna Delhomme
Red Hot Chili Davis Delino Decoconut Deshields Carlos In Delgado Da Vida
Rob Double Dibble Kelly Churchill Downs Carlos Daylight Come & Delgado Go Home
Omar Barbie Daal Danny Darwin Theory
E_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Cecil Espy N Dave No Man is an Eiland Lee Elia Kuryakin
Dave Right Engel Tom East of Edens Damion It Don't Come Easley
Joey Bette Davis Eischen Juan Re Encarnacion
F_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Jim Bela Fregosi Steve A Bridge Too Farr Steve Chariots of Fireovid
Mike Horse Fetters Brett Favre Ngugen Felix the Cat Fermin
Rollie Chicken Fingers Bob Air Forsch John Generalissimo Francisco Franco
Scott Fletcher Christian Curt Model T Ford Todd Which Hand Does He Frohwirth
Hector Sizzling Fajardo Steve Huckleberry Finley Mike Center Felder
Monty Farris Wheel Tony Prehistoric Fossas Chuck Dorsal Finley
Smokin' Lou Frazier Jeff French Frye Cliff Pink Floyd
Marvin Philadelphia Freeman Kevin Linoleum Flora Jay Fiedler on the Roof
A J Touchy Feeley Jay See Me Feely Barry Bananas Foster
G_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Greg Gagne with a Spoon Andres the Giant Gallaraga Fettucini Alfredo Griffin
Mark Amazing Grace Mike Leggo Gallego Tom Heard it Through the Glavine
Mark Federal Grant Jose Mother Guzman Tony Gwynn and Bear It
Mark Chauncey Gardner Don Down the Gullet Dwight Gooden Plenty
Tux Cito Gaston Dan Man from Gladden Bernard Innocent Until Proven Gilkey
Johnny Pass the Grubb Juan Speedy Gonzales Tom Flash Gordon
Jim Gott the Win Ron Extrava Gant Mark Woody Guthrie
Brent Rusty Gates Jason Giambi Jack Flash Nomar Mr. Nice Guy Garciaparra
Juan Going Going Gonzales Joe Grahe Flannel Ben Good Grieve
Rich Loose Gannon Bobby Seven Year Gritch Tony Gwynn One for the Gipper
Chris Gwynn the Eskimo
H_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Jay Thurston B. Howell III Mel Carnegie Hall Jeff Going Back To Huson
Tommy Ben Herr Lamarr Where Does It Hoyt Dave Harry and the Henderson
Von Purple Hayes Danny Uriah Heep Mike Heath Bar
Tom Dirty Henke Kent Buy a Vowel Hrbek Jeff Hamilton Joe Frank and Reynolds
Bruce Patty Hurst Glenn Old Mother Hubbard Charles Moscow on the Hudson
Tim Hulett Packard Chris Mr. Haney Neal Heaton and Air Conditioning
Chris Hammond Cheese Vince Four Horsman Pete Harnisch Racing
Brian Deer Hunter Glenallen Strawberry Hill Peter Chips A Hoy
Ron Tala Hassey Toby Last Harrah Darryl Green Eggs And Hamilton
Todd Highway to Helton Tom Henke Panky Art and Howe
Sam Little Big Horn John Habyan Corpus Ah Ah Az Hakim
I_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Dane Clockwork Iorg
J_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Bo Diddley Jackson Dion Bartles and James Felix Do You Know the Way to San Jose
Brook Jacoby Wan Kenobi Wally Absorbine Joyner Stan Javier Self A Merry Little Christmas
Dave Supreme Court Justice Doug Along Came Jones Temple Bethel Johnson
K_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
John I Am Not a Kruk Bob Yom Kipper Mike The Man Who Would Be Kingery
Jimmy Francis Scott Key Dana Field Goal Kiecker Chuck New Kids on Knoblauch
Eric Burger King Ron Ma and Pa Kittle Joe Colonel Klink
Darryl Gomer Kile Eric Karros Matic Jon Kitna Kaboodle
Dan Erie Kanell
L_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Jim Saturday Night LeFebvre Scott Livingstone, I Presume Mike Car 54 Lavalliere
Steve Lake Michigan Dennis Fluorescent Lamp Tim Praise the Laudner
Scott Lay Lady Leius Jim Frito Leyritz Bill One if by Landrum
Jeff Sugar Ray Leonard Vance Common Law Al Cigarette Leiter
Rick Innocent Lysander Urbano Renewal Lugo John Tonight Let It Be Lowenstein
Mark Bud Leiter Pat Pencil Thin Listach Keith June Lockhart
Ed Merrill Lynch Steve Detroit Lyons Rudy Mother In Law
Jose Lind Cuisine Craig Def Lefferts Chet Bitter Lemon
Davey Canta Lopes Mark Get Back Loretta Steve Lyons And Tigers And Bears, Oh My
Gene Meadow Larkin Kerry Leather And Lacy Don't Walk Away René Lachemann
Sean Personal Landeta
M_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
John Holy Moses Me and Willie McGee Eddie Eat Drink and be Murray
Kevin No Maas Jose Flying Melendez Paul Molitor and the Merrimac
Candy Man Maldonado Darryl Motley Crue Oddibe Young Again McDowell
Joe Magrane Headache Bob Melvin and the Blue Notes Fred McGriff the Crime Dog
Mike Mason Jar Greg Appa Maddux Kirt What Was That Manwaring
Shane Fleetwood Mack Dave Mary Magadan Don Welcome Mattingly
Dave Vodka Martinez Big Ben MacDonald Pat Mahomes Where the Heart is
José Costa Mesa Greg Mathe Maddux Kent Magic Mercker
Juan Field Marichal Jeff Praying Manto Damon All Mashore That's Going Mashore
Brent Remember the Mayne Rick Junk Mahler Kevin Sing Along with Mitchell
Eating Raul Mondesi Captain Kirk McCaskill Steve After Dinner Mintz
Angel In the Morning Miranda Brian 12 Year Moehler James Teenage Mouton Ninja Turtles
Orlando I Am Merced Mike Loggins and Mussina Pedro Harvest Munoz
Curtis My Favorite Martin Josh Tears of McCown Natrone Refried Means
Roger Chocolate Maltbie Mike After Dinner Minter Chris One Bad Ma'afalla
N_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Matt No Nokes Paul Buenos Noce Reid Buffalo Nichols
Gene Full Nelson Tim Golden Nehring Edgar High Nunez
Dan Nick Naulty Robb The Flying Nen Jon Get Thee To A Nunnally
O_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
John Orton Hears a Who Johnny Quaker Oates Gregg Olson Golden
Alex Ochoa Gesundheit Al Osuna or Later Sandis Ozolinsh that stole Christmas
Ron Roller Oester Steve Vi Olin
P_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Tom Goodnight Sweet Prince Jim Car Poole Rafael Emerson Lake and Palmiero
Jim Hanky Pankovits Ted Tower of Power Ken Good Evening Mr. Phelps
Mark Trans Parent Terry Swimming Puhl Terry Pit and the Pendleton
Eric Ker Plunk Joe Actual Retail Price Dave Parallel Parker
Bill Veal Pecota Vicente Buckingham Palacios Melido Shuffle Perez
Don Whiter Shade of Pall Tony Jala Pena Phil the Final Plantier
Chan Ho 3 Com Park Robert Missing Person Mike Pepperoni Piazza
Jorge Carne Posada Arquimedez Principle Pozo Jeff Juden Priest
Bill Liquid Plummer Luis Ap Polonia Albert Winnie the Pujols
Ricky Proehl Shampoo
Q_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Jamie Men at Quirk
R_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Dave Prince Righetti Randy Ready or Not Jerry Rolls Reuss
Bobby Tokyo Rose Kevin Reimer Reason Dave Rohde Runner
Tim Purple Raines Johnny Manta Ray Craig Reynolds Wrap
Gary Redus a Bedtime Story Jim Pork Fried Rice Cookie Days of Wine and Rojas
Vern Golden Ruhle Luis Buick Rivera Bruce Two Minutes for Ruffin
José Blame It On Rijo Andre Bad Moon Rison Kevin Ritz Cracker
Wally Lionel Ritchie Bryan Rekar Named Desire Kirk Weekly Rueter
S_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
B J And the Bear Surhoff Joe Slusarski and Hutch Pete Raise Your Hand if You're Schourek
Gary Sheffield of Dreams Bill Per Spiers Todd Aris Stottlemyre
Tim Sockeye Salmon Gary Sheffield Of Dreams Heathcliff Slocumb if ya got 'em
Mark Tossed Salas Steve Alto Sax Craig Brewer and Shipley
Rafael Evil Ways Santana Joel Mule Skinner John When Irish Eyes are Smiley
Eric Win Place or Show Larry Satin Sheets Mike Great Scott
Darryl Strawberry Shortcake Mike Pre Schooler Bob Ice Station Sebra
Billy Free Sample Tom Leave it to Seaver Jeff Wine Sellers
Juan Play it Again Samuel Rick Really Big Schu James Easter Steels
Ed Ocean Sprague Doug People Are Strange Sammy Say it Isn't Sosa
Mario Scotch and Soto Bill Beer Stein Bruce Three Piece Sutter
Kevin Alka Seitzer Ruben High Sierra Mike Nova Scioscia
Scott Room Servais Chris Church Speier Paul Veal Sorrento
Buck Showalter Raleigh Mario Speedwagon Soto Tim Spehr Tire
Franklin Ticket Stubbs Reggie Colonel Sanders Lance Sargeant Schulters
T_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
John Private Tudor Steve Rainbow Trout Andres Doubting Thomas
Manny Kingston Trillo Fred Toliver Twist Alan Have Gun Will Trammell
Pat Pick Up the Tabler Frank Tanana Daquiri Mark Fall Of The House Of Tauscher
Kevin Spinal Tapani Dickie Mara Thon Jim Home Thweet Thome
Jim Thome Can You Hear Me? Tony Tarasco Sauce Amani It's Not A Toomer
Michael Turner Overdrive George Iced Teague Ground Control to David Toms
U_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
José Game Winning Uribe John Stick It In Urrea Ugueth What You Pay For Urbina
V_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Bobby Be My Valentine Ozzie Like A Virgil Frank 101 Strings Viola
Todd Smack Crackle VanPoppel Robin Ventura Highway Dave Death Valle
Andy Dick Van Slyke
W_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Butch Oil and Wynegar Gary Hospital Ward Mitch The Devil and Daniel Webster
Jeff Montgomery Ward Walt Three Blind Weiss Craig For What It's Worthington
Todd We Are the Worrell Tim Eli Wallach Vince Workman My Way Back to You
Mark Bay City Wohlers Don Pop Werner Kerry Norwegian Wood
John Teenage Wetteland John Hia Wathan Jeff Dream Weaver
Bob Intentional Walk Duane Psycho Ward
X_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________

Y_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Rich Not Ready Yett Matt Forever Young
Z_______________________ ________________________ _______________________________
Eric Light My Ziere Greg The Wrath Of Zahn Todd Good Housekeeping Zeile

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• And Now, Your Regularly-Scheduled Chris Berman Anecdote [Chris Berman] (deadspin.com)

Hey Crackhead

I was rummaging around Craigslist and happened upon this lovely post. Enjoy!

Hey Crackhead

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Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST



Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

The "F" Word

My apologies for the abrasive language. I saw this posted as someone's icon and I loved it. At first I posted the image in the "All about me" section, but as a "stand alone" I became weary of the lingering negativity that I have been trying to distance myself from for some time now.